Chapter Five
"I swear to God, if you don't get the fuck out of the shower I'm going to bust in there and take a picture of your one-on-one time with Mary Palmer and her five sisters, and email it to everyone at your school, Edward Cullen!" The beating on the door continued as did the more lethal threats.
"If you don't stop spanking your monkey it's gonna fall off, douche bag! I read about it in a health magazine!" Irina screamed out as she pounded and kicked at the door.
You're probably thinking I've been in the shower for an hour and a half, and that I've deduced myself to something as low as masturbation while my family is in town for Christmas. That's not what's going on.
See, Alice and I share the third floor of the house, two large bedrooms on each side of the hall and two smaller guest rooms on the right of those large rooms. My mother being the awesome woman that she is, decided to knock down the wall separating our bathrooms from one another to create a giant bathroom, complete with 'his' and 'her' sinks. It's been fine since she decided on that renovation. Alice showers after I do because she takes forty-five minutes. She doesn't come in to brush her hair or teeth while I'm showering, and I don't try to take a leak while she's doing the same.
It's all fine and dandy sharing a bathroom with a girl that spends more time applying makeup to her face then I take to do my Calculus homework. We even worked out a routine when we ate Chinese food in Port Angeles and the food poisoning kicked in before we made it to the front door. I was never annoyed with the undergarments that she hung on the side of the garden tub I hardly ever used, and she never bitched about the fact that I always left my socks and briefs on the floor by the shower.
All the sharing was fine and easy, except for the times of the year when we had visitors. Visitors that refused to stay in the basement that had its own bathroom. Visitors that drove me crazy and have harassed me for the past twelve hours that they've been here.
"EDWARD! COME ON! I HAVE TO PISS LIKE A RACEHORSE!" Tanya cried out dramatically as the beating continued.
I decided to forgo conditioning my hair and quickly scrubbed and rinsed my body. Dripping wet with a damp towel hanging around my hips, I swung the door open and was immediately assaulted with three things. Three very annoying things that have a set plan to try and embarrass me whenever they get the chance to when they're visiting, which is all the time.
Irina grabbed the edge of my towel, Tanya started snapping Polaroids and Kate doused me with silly string. There may have or may not have been a girlish scream on my part as I sprinted to my bedroom, slipping along the hardwood floor while the evil bitches of Manitoba cackled. And this might have or might not have been the third or fourth time in my adulthood that this has happened to me. After I dried off and dressed, I opened the door to find my three favorite tormentors sitting on the floor of the hallway. I stepped out, immediately locking my door and pocketing the key knowing that after the stunt they had pulled minutes prior that it could only get worse from here.
They followed me down the stairs, giggling as I held onto the banister. Summer '04 happened to be the year I broke all of the fingers in my left hand, including my thumb, because someone accidentally tripped me. Excuse me for being cautious.
As soon as I entered the kitchen, the hyenas immediately backed off and I smiled, walking over to my Aunt Carmen and giving her a hug. She mistook my hug as affection when really it was extreme gratitude. If I could get her to stay in the kitchen with me for ten minutes, I could eat my breakfast in peace. The triplets hovered around the island while I leisurely ate my Cream of Wheat and talked to my aunt about how her home business had been doing. I enjoyed a half of a grape fruit by the time Alice showed up, annoyed that I had left her to shop on her own thanks to the Tylenol PM I swallowed the night before.
"How was the shopping Alice?" I asked, rinsing my bowl out. The triplets were practically vibrating, as was Alice, who was now wearing a shit-eating grin.
"Oh, it was awesome! Next year's Christmas tree is going to be sapphire blue with silver icicles, and get this... I totally got all of the stuff for less than twenty bucks. I frigging love after Christmas sales!" Alice squealed, bouncing around before stopping. "Hurry up with that. The Triple D's wanna chat before they leave tonight."
An impromptu golf game this morning was the cause for the change of plans. Instead of them leaving, we were stuck with the triplets until tonight so that Carlisle and Eleazar could get shit faced at the country club and tear up the turf.
"Oh, well I have to um... Go?" I lied, trying to slyly grab my car keys and move past them. Strong female hands gripped my arms and
dragged me out into the back yard. My traitor of a mother and Aunt Carmen turned the other cheek, while the triplets and Alice forced me out into the sun. They finally released me when we reached the only tree that supplied enough shade for the five of us.
"Soooo... Alice tells us you have a girly," Irina started.
"She's a little rough around the edges?" Tanya added.
"But aren't we all," Kate finished.
"So tell us all about her," they said together. If I wasn't so used to it, that shit would probably freak me the fuck out. Instead I focused all of my energy on hating Alice at the moment. I even gave her an evil stare to show her how pissed off I was now.
"What the hell Alice?" I yelled. "She hates me! Why do you keep bringing her up?"
"Because I know you like her. I finally found something that the Triple D's and I agree upon, and it just so happens to be your love life, or lack thereof," Alice sang out as she leaned against Kate.
"So spill!" the Triple D's said in unison.
And I did. The triplets sat and took in everything I had to say, with Alice interrupting every now and then to add a romantic notion to the things that happened.
"And then he lifted her up off the dingy Biology lab floor and carried her out to his car, bridal style, while the entire class applauded," she said dreamily after I recounted the biology room incident. Alice has a crazy imagination, and has to sugar coat anything that sounds remotely mediocre.
"Shut the fuck up Alice!" I growled before continuing.
"And she lit candles while they enjoyed their impromptu lunch of cucumber sandwiches and quiche," Alice's voice had taken on a fantasy tone, totally ignoring my comment about her shutting the fuck up.
"Alice will you shut the hell up and let me finish? You weren't even there," I sighed out, turning to the triplets. "We ate fucking egg salad sandwiches."
"And then she slapped him in the face, calling him a pervy little snoop, and told him to get the hell out of her underwear drawer," Alice interrupted, laughing wickedly. "Okay, that didn't really happen at all, but it was worth a shot."
I put my hand over her mouth and finished my story. The Triple D's sat in front of us, staring at each other and doing this freaky triplet mental thing where they sat and stared at each other, as if they were telepathic, or something. For about five minutes they did nothing but keep eye contact with each other as they blinked and nodded their way through an entire conversation silently. Tanya jumping up and clapping excitedly brought us out of the quiet.
"Let's go! I have to see this fuck awesome Smurf blue house!" she exclaimed.
"No," I said, shaking my head.
"Come on! Dude, the last really cool house I saw was in Georgia. It was all round because the doctor was part of this religion where corners are like bad juju or something," Tanya explained before putting her hands together in a pleading manner. "Come on Ed! We only come to Jacksonville every now and then. Don't force me to miss a crazy ass house... please."
"I wanna drive your Volvo anyway," Irina added in, shrugging her shoulders. "You promised me last summer. Don't think I forgot."
Kate stood up and said "We'll just drive by, look at the weird house and the crazy ass VW van and come home. I'll school you in poker when we get back."
"No," I answered, crossing my arms in front of my chest in stubborn finality.
"YES!" all four girls screamed, pulling me to my feet. Alice ran ahead into the house to grab my car keys while we walked out the door. Well, I was dragged to the garage unwillingly.
"Have you guys ever heard of 'no means no'? I fear for the safety of the guys in your town," I countered as I was forced into the passenger seat.
"Oh, you should," the Triple D's laughed darkly.
Alice skipped out into the garage, twirling my car keys around her finger happily before tossing them to Irina. I prayed for a moment, hoping that God would keep my baby safe under the clutches of the speed demon.
I directed Irina through the streets of Jacksonville until we made it to the familiar street, and I broke out into a sweat. Would she be sitting outside today? Or inside as usual? Would the van be there, signaling that her mother was there?
"Stop being a pussy, Ed," Kate said, slapping me in the back of the head from the back seat. Have I mentioned that I've been beaten up a lot lately?
"Whatever. It's down this road," I said, pointing my finger in the direction of Bella's house. The house came into view and all four girls let out a low whistle, gasp, or in Tanya's case, "Whoa, baby!". It was just as bright as it was that day the Volkswagen van sat in the driveway and a bubble machine was sitting on the porch, creating a whirl wind of bubbles throughout the yard.
"She wasn't lying when she said her mom was a nut case, eh?" Kate asked as Irina slowed to a stop in front of the house.
"What are you doing?" I panicked. "Drive. She knows what my car looks like, losers."
"Calm down, dude," Irina said patting my head like I was a puppy. I hate it when she does that, or when anyone touches my head for that matter. "Just go up there and ask to talk to her."
"I can't. This has gone too far. There's no way I'm going up to her house. The last time I was here, it didn't end up pretty. Let's go guys. Please," I begged.
"Edward, just go up there. Christmas break is going to be a drag if you're all mopey the entire time. Please," Alice requested, pulling out the pout. But I was going to stick to my guns this time. No falling for the pixie's pout.
"No, Alice. I'll talk to her when we get back to school. I don't want to overwhelm her."
"That's it," Tanya huffed, opening her door and bolting in direction of Bella's porch.
"Where is she going?" I gasped, opening the passenger door just as she made it up the front steps in a sea of bubbles.
"Tanya, please let's just go!" I begged as she knocked.
"It's for the best, Ed," Tanya replied, smiling and bouncing down the steps just as the front door opened, revealing an older woman that was the spitting image of Bella, future wise. Her dark mahogany hair was cut short and pulled back with a tie dyed scarf, her chocolate brown eyes were wild and I felt as if I was looking at Bella Swan twenty years from now.
"Can I help you?" she asked, her voice having the slightest hint of laughter in it.
"Yeah, hi. My name is Tanya, Tanya Denali," Tanya said holding her hand out to introduce herself. "My cousin, Edward, is friends with Bella and we were just talking about how she hasn't come back to school after her first day. We just wanted to give her some time and decided to come make sure that everything was okay with her."
"Oh," the woman said, her smile faltering, but didn't disappear altogether. "Yes, Bella wasn't feeling well so she stayed home. She's up in her room, but I don't think she's up for company at the moment. The holidays were pretty rough on us."
"That's alright, we were just making sure she wasn't dead," Tanya joked. Bella's mom gasped placing her hand on her throat as she paled and my heart stopped.
"Can I see her? Is she really alright?" I spoke up, walking up the front steps quickly. Something about her actions had me immediately thinking that she was lying about Bella being fine.
"I'm sorry. Like I said, Bella isn't doing well right now," her mother said. "I'll tell her you stopped by though."
"Please," I begged. "I sort of upset her the last time we saw each other and I just want to apologize."
"I'm sorry, but no. Like I said I'll tell her you stop-"
"It's fine mom," a sad voice called from behind the screen door.
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